a Rearranged Life

I’m a mess.  I’m a special kind of mess on Sundays, usually in a funk, fighting to keep my head above water.  On this day, every ounce of my up-tight comes into play…but the floods, they keep washing over me.

The songs, the words, HIS word hydrates me.

I close my eyes on this day and I see a different scene.

Standing on my own 2 feet?  – no

Moving freely? – no

Those are but illusions.

When I close my eyes I see that I am the one in the chair.

I am the one in need of aided hearing.

I am dependent.

I cannot do it all. The worries piled high?  They will keep piling, and my hands will never be able to do enough.

Do I have to just sit here in this chair?  In this silent world?  Should I brood over why.  Why the limitations?  Why the dependency?  Am I alone?

A smile lights across my face.

When you are dependent, it matters who you depend upon.

I have only to ask.

I have a Father that loves to hear my voice.

“If I but call upon his name…”

What kind of parent wants to help a child that is forever expecting bad things from them?

Those expectations are a wall between.

I stand next to my boy.  I hold his hand to steady him.  I bubble over with love for this beautiful boy, this son that teaches me so much.  …and I LOVE him!  I have exuberant love for him, and I want so badly to know what he wants, what he needs.  I want so badly to hear his voice, and to hear affirmation, that he feels this love – that he knows that I never mind taking care of him, that I am glad to be his mother.

His smile tells me all these things and more, and our relationship is that much sweeter for it.

Oh Lord, may my smile, my words, my ALL delight in you and your care for me.  You aren’t just the best of fathers in a rigid sense.  Something tells me you have a sense of humor, that your the kind of dad that I see in my husband – the wild one that will carry a wheelchair up stairs, spin around like crazy, go far beyond the limits…all with the inspiration of a smile that begs, that expects to be going somewhere good.

When I can’t hear…  When I’m stuck…  When I can’t see…  I need to ask with the confidence that is FAITH – faith in your goodness, and your mercy – when they may hide behind a cloud of bitter providences or when they shine like the sun.  May my state of dependence be coupled with the faith that moves mountains!