A Day at the Park
It was day of “divide and conquer parenting.” The boys were given NASCAR tickets (a DREAM day for them), and the girls and I had the day to ourselves.
Special needs or no, days mostly come with their own obligations and challenges, but this one was different.
We didn’t even start getting ready for church until 20 minutes before the start. The girls dressed themselves. En route we changed our minds on which church to attend, and even then we were *on time (by my standards)! VICTORY! We went through a car wash in a car that FIT through the car wash. They squealed with delight!!! Then there was a fast-food lunch and play in the play-place for…pretty much forever, sans worrying about how to keep one child from feeling excluded and sad. There was ice cream. We took the dog to the park, no diaper changes, no personal hygiene needs. I cut their hair. These wild and free girls loved every bit of it, and perhaps they loved their unencumbered momma’s presence too.
It was amazeballs, with a side of guilt. So very incredibly easy! Too easy?
After my c-spine surgery last month, today I felt like a prisoner on the loose (or maybe just a hermit in the light of day), unsure of whether to enjoy it. As to our normal restraints (or perceived ones) It’s physically and emotionally rougher and tougher to roll around with lots of extra needs. That’s especially true when you aren’t really allowed to push that chair or change those diapers.
Suddenly remove those barriers, and guilt can’t help but rush at you, right alongside joy and ease.
[And Son. Oh Son! Should you read this please know, you are not your disability, ever. I’d be lying to say that the challenges aren’t challenging. And we’d guess that they affect you most, but, oh boy, your joy, your presence are all worth it a thousand times over!!!! You are a gift, and all of the best gifts have been hard pressed!]
Today, easy or no, my job was to rest in the joy. Yeah, the guilt was right over my shoulder, but the joy was right in front of me, and maybe that small space was distance enough.
With “our hells and our heavens so few inches apart,” this isn’t about forever teasing apart some inseparable tangle. This is about accepting the joy set before us, regardless of whether guilt or sorrow stand close behind. Forget those guys!
Today was a good day, a very very good day!!!
a Rearranged Life 
I love your writing Miriam. Sounds like it was a great day. I can see the guilt part. But, yay, that you chose to enjoy what was in front of you. I absolutely loved your daughter’s video of the book she made for Blue. What an awesome sister! John is in medical school, right? What specialty is he going into? It’s great staying connected via FB and your blog. You are an inspiration! I love the Jesus in you. I love how real you are! Nikki
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 2015 05:52:30 +0000 To: steve_nikki_simpson@hotmail.com
Love your writing dear M as usual. You capture the joys and guilt so beautifully. The “grandma/auntie” in me looked at the time of this post and thought you need to be sleeping!!
Hi blue I miss you