21: together

“Silence the critical editor in your head.”  5 minutes of writing. No editing.


We were a family.  We were 3.  Were 1 family.  We were together.

Hubbs had just flown in from South America.

Babe had just been born into this world…mere hours after hubbs stepped off the plane.

We were together.

We ate slept and breathed in synchrony.

Not that there was much sleep to be had, but there was – US…home.

All the fears, the worries, that he might not make it home, that baby might not arrive safely, they were calmed.  All was well. All was bright.

We were encapsulated in bliss for days on end…but an end came.

It shattered.

My son’s jaundice – that yellow stuff that the pediatrician kept saying was no big deal, it began to quickly take the life from my son, to invade his beautiful new mind.

And then…then, on the 9th day it was a mad rush to the ER, to the ICU.

There were whispers of brain damage….but not the kind that took his mind – the kind that took his body, leaving him with movements beyond his control.

And then – babe was taken from arms.

Grief for lost abilities laid down.

hospital blues 019

Babe did come back in to my arms.  We were then broken but together.


Our babe is now 8 and is left with much disability, and we grieve not his loss, but the things he’s lost.  Truth is, even in the dark of that ICU, of the grief that strikes us each still, that threatens isolation, we are still together – together with the one who is closer than a brother, always, we celebrate the life and joy that our boy has!

And this, this I must remember – to cry out, to look to my side and remember, He is with me.

We are together, and there is beauty rearranged in this.  All of the best beauties are rearranged like this – in the broken.  And yes, there are tears, but there is also JOY in this place!

our family


31 days rearranged beauty

10 thoughts on “21: together

    • Thanks, friend! Thanks for stopping by and if you were confused I’m SO sorry! I had a knack for knocking things over and spilling things on my clothes, only I mislead 1/2 a room full of women into believing that my son didn’t make it through the crazy NICU days…and truth is, he did…and hard things (with wheelchairs and feeding pumps and nursing and school etc) and beautiful things have followed in a whole heap of mess, and I’m so thankful for my boy and the lessons God keeps unfolding in our story!

  1. Oh dear sweet one, my heart aches with you. I am so sorry. I know that ache – that ache no mother should have to go through. We had a stillborn daughter at 36 weeks nearly 16 years ago – and a son at age 16 that also left for heaven too quickly. And I know how your life has changed, and you just so yearn to hold that baby again. I know the tears on your pillow and the whys. And I know Jesus longs to fill that big hole in your heart and weeps with you. And I think of your sweet babe at Jesus feet, who will never know pain, a skinned knee or a broken heart from a relationship – that sweet babe who sees Jesus face to face! Can you imagine?!?!?! Despite our tears, what hope we can have. Feel free to write to me any time. I’d love to share with you and learn more about your baby.


    writingcanvas AT gmail DOT com

    • Oh Loni, thanks so much for the virtual hugs!! I hear your story and my heart aches for you and your loss, and I just know that Jesus has shown you the beauty in the broken!
      …and I do have a confession. When I stumbled reading my post last night, I caused confusion. My son survived the ordeal, but came out of it severely disabled. He now lives in a wheelchair with the physical abilities of a 3 month old, impaired hearing, and he is unable to speak, but he is a bright boy with JOY that abounds! We praise God for his life…and we still have tears. Every year he grows older we peel back layers of denial – denial that would have us believing that this was temporary …and denial that has a hard time seeing our boy growing into a little man in a world that does not know how to bend for him. God’s goodness does shine through every break though!
      Thanks so much for stopping by and so sorry for the confusion…I’m sometimes great at that. I’m a mess, and I’m so thankful to have a savior that loves messes!

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