1: Cramming Jelly Beans

We got the kids to bed…finally!  Hubbs asked me if I could help him with something.

I looked up at him as I crammed the last handful of jelly beans in my mouth.  Guilty smile.  They were the LAST of them.  They were the expensive ones…the dye free, organic ones (as if organic makes sugar better for you! 🙂  I had bought them with and for my girls for treats.  They ate 2-4 a day.  I ate 50 0r so a day.  Did they last all of 3 days?  Yep.  Guilty. So guilty.  Imprisoned by the discipline I lack.  (Did I mention I was in the middle of a detox/cleanse?)

I wasn’t proud.  He didn’t even really notice.  BUT I did.

I had this thought.  It’s the thought that has pervaded my thoughts for months.  It’s the reason that there are countless books being written on “self-help” at any given time.

I wasn’t where I wanted to be.  I’m never where I want to be.

How to get there?  Or more like…how to move forward when I keep taking steps back?

How to get back on track when I INEVITABLY fell off…even when doing “good.”

I live on a chart.  There are the ups. The downs. It looks like a seismograph.  On any given day, the ups and downs can be all over the place.  But over all?  Where is this thing, my life going?

psd-examples

Did I mention that this was the day after my birding post?  I had written about the wonderful transformation in our family from TV to birding.  But problem is…I still parent with TV.  In fact, on that day, I climbed back under the covers and let my girls watch TV for 2 hours…and I wish I could say it had never happened before.

A friend recently helped me name this sub-par behavior of mine: a coping mechanism.  I suppose that makes it sound better, but really?  How do you peel of the self loathing at the end of that and plug into a day?

Truth is, when I look back, I can SEE, or I think I can, that: things are better…even though I’ve had my jelly bean cramming sessions and late sleeping days.  There is always morning!

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. –Psalm 90:14

I can look back and see God’s provision.   I can see how certain things have transformed my home, and I want to share them and my journey toward them…in my own my own disjointed way, and I start by saying this.

Failure is a part of our lives, whether we like it or not.   Failure is a part of our story, as is dependence.  Dependence upon what is the question that really matters.

This is my last day of quiet writing time, by. my. self., but I’ve got drafts of posts saved up for you…on:

Tangled Wires,

Weeding,

BEING PRESENT.

I suppose we will count this as part 1 of the 4 part series?? The title for the whole thing…”Thinning the weeds. Being IN the garden?”  Maybe.  Hopefully it will emerge!  No guarantees on the pace…but they are coming!

I read,

“The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.” – Benjamin Disraeli

So, as I learn, I share…to make the learning sink deeper in my skin.

I recently discovered that I am a writer, but the truth is, whether you know it or not…you are too.  There is the wind of a story in you.  Will you raise your sails to move with it?  Will you pick up the pen to open your second set of eyes?

 

What are your jelly-bean-cramming-coping-mechanisms?  

Ever managed to ditch a big one that subtracted too much from your life?

 

 

if you'd like to email, you may do so at arearrangedlife at gmail dot com

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