We are almost 3 months into this journey, this new chapter without Blue. In some ways it seems more real every day, and in others more surreal. Whichever way, it doesn’t feel “right” being separated in this way.

I’m doing “normal” things like altering a dress for homecoming for one of the girls, and taking up silversmithing. Both involve a lot of doing and undoing. I think I’ve pulled my daughter’s dress apart a dozen times and then stitched it back together – to make it what it needed to be. It’s also been surreal – making lunches and breakfasts for the kids for the first time in a VERY long time. And then there are Sundays.

Sundays are tough for one particular reason – singing in church. I avoid mascara for a reason. As we worship, I can’t help but be overcome with the feeling that, in those moments, Blue and I are doing the same thing at the same time – worshiping the most holy and magnificent and awesome being in the universe, the super hero of all superheroes. Blue’s excitement and pure joy over hero’s has been one of my greatest joys over these past 18 years and I can almost hear his happy squeals of delight down here when we sing.

But I’m also sad and confused and not even nearly 100% on board with this new way of being an incomplete family.

In short, I think those tears are rooted in 2 opposite feelings about Blue and God – the joy of feeling a little bit nearer, and the heartache of the distance. With Blue it’s about the lack of his physical presence and with God it’s about the distance between my understanding and his methods.

That dual feeling of adoration for the good and loving God who has cared for me so well, while also mourning the things he allows on this planet – the heart ache and ridiculous pain? They tear me in two…and they stitch me together.

And these songs, they came into existence out of the same types of paradox –

My 4 daughters all just drowned?- “It is WELL with my soul.”

Unable to leave bed for years? – “Just as I am.”

Horrible illness that would take her life at 43? “Take My Life and Let It Be“

Just discovered drowned fiancee? – “What a friend we have in Jesus“

Contemplating and nearly acting on suicidal thoughts? – “O The Deep Deep Love of Jesus“

Doubting faith? – “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing“

Fiancé ditches you because you are going blind. You actually become blind, then your sister/caregiver is getting married. On the night of her wedding the family leaves you home alone to attend her wedding festivities. What do you write? “O Love That Will Not Let Me Go“

Today we sang, “Be still my soul.” I don’t love this one for the backstory, (it’s mostly been lost to time, given that this hymn is from 1600’s) but because it has the melody to match the beauty and the ache -a tune to mirror a faith in which God uses the brutal death of his own son to redeem an unworthy and wayward people from eternal demise, all whilst using some shitty turns in our lives for His glory and our benefit. If only I can have patience to see where these “thorny ways [lead] to a joyful end.”

1 Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
in every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2 Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3 Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the veil of tears,
then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
from His own fullness all He takes away.

4 Be still, my soul; the hour is hast’ning on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.